X Factor Judges 2016
Photo: ITV

Saturday nights have been so wonderful since the X Factor finished back in December. Ant and Dec have come and gone, the main TV channels have been forced to think up original content and the less vocal members of UK households haven’t had to endure nearly five months of tedium and abject misery. But that’s all about to change, as Simon Cowell is back, and this time he means business – or at least ITV does.

It seems that, after the collapse of the X Factor USA, Cowell has little more to do than wipe shitty arses. So, persuaded back to the UK with a huge contract, he and two new judges will kick off the festivities in August. It’s just a shame that one of the new judges is, in fact, an old judge who can’t seem to forge a successful career without the help of TV talent shows. Anyway, without further ado, here are five reasons why the X Factor now royally sucks ass.

5. Dermot O’Leary is back

Dermot O'Leary strikes a pose
Dermot O’Leary loves his tight pants

Oh dear! Dermot O’Leary just tries far too hard, doesn’t he. I do feel a little sorry for the guy, as he obviously believes he is funny – a cheeky chappy, if you will. In reality, he is little more than an autocue reader with a pretty face. How many times will he joyfully declare: “Your Saturday night starts here”? Will he begin every show with the famous O’Leary kick and spin? Will he try to stir up some controversy during the painfully tedious ‘judges’ vote’ scenario? He’ll have a bit of banter with Simon, of course. He’ll probably also try to disagree with some of  the judges’ comments to spice things up a little. But Dermot is not fooling me. He’s just dull, and I simply can’t understand why Cowell got rid of Kate Thornton! Perhaps it was because she broke the cardinal rule for women on ITV – she turned 30.

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